5 Takeaways From Couples Therapy
We have been doing couples therapy for a few months now and I feel like we’re in a good groove of things. I get asked a lot if I find therapy worth it and what have I been able to take away from it. This will be different for each individual or couple, but I am happy to open up, share my thoughts and talk about what I have found useful.
PUT MYSELF FIRST
Over the last few months, because of the nature of our situation, I ended up speaking with a few different therapists. All noticed that I constantly deflect to Carey. They would ask a simple question like “How do you feel about it?” and I would manage to bring it back to Carey. I had no idea I was doing this until the therapist pointed it out. I mean, it makes sense, because our lives revolve around Carey and his work; everyone always wants to talk to me about Carey, so naturally I subconsciously made him the center of the conversation, even when he didn’t belong there.
I know this is really specific to our lifestyle, but I can just about guarantee that a lot of moms do this with their children. It’s so easy to deflect away from ourselves and onto people we love the most. So, I’m trying to combat this by mentally checking in with myself and knowing how I feel outside of “Carey and me”. We’re also trying to make sure each of us get alone time during the week. We take an hour to ourselves, away from the family, to do something we enjoy outside of work. It’s a great way to decompress and really check in with ourselves.
COMMUNICATE!
This one is hard for me, but it’s something that I am really working at. One of the therapists suggested that once a week, we take a 15 minute walk together and the topics of work, money, kids or anything to do with the household is off limits. This allows us to just chat, hopefully have a few laughs and work on the friendship inside of our marriage.
ACKNOWLEDGE EACH OTHER’S FEELINGS
. . .even if there is nothing that can be done about it. We are finding this to be really helpful, when we acknowledge each other’s feelings, neither one of us feels isolated or alone in how they feel. Whether we’re agreed or not, just knowing that the other person is aware of how we feel makes all the difference.
THE ONLY THING WE CAN CONTROL IS OURSELVES AND OUR REACTIONS
This is a big one for me . . .SHOCKER! I am a control freak. I do love the saying “you have to play the hand you were dealt, not the hand you wish you were dealt”. Over the past few months, I’ve been trying to focus on this when unexpected and hard things have happened in our lives. It’s been a big one.
LEAN INTO IT
This isn’t something my therapist told me, but something I like to remind myself of. I am so quick to write things off and think “Oh, that won’t help me”, even though I don’t actually know if it could help me. I did this with therapy, with tools like meditation, journaling, date nights and consciously connecting with friends. These are all things I ended up trying and SURPRISE! Some of them were really helpful for me!
I encourage you to give it a try. Pick something, like journaling, try it every day for a month and then evaluate how you feel. Lean into things you might have been quick to write off before, you might just be surprised.
Couples therapy is hard. There are days when we come out feeling heavier than when we went in, but that’s because we’re committed and we’re determined to do the work to keep our marriage strong.
“Sometimes progress is hard to measure. It may just be that a feeling has shifted, or that there’s been a small change in behavior. But it’s important to pay attention. Even the slightest pieces of progress is progress.”
- Kiran Arora, Family Therapist
This is something I think every marriage needs to keep in mind. It’s not going to happen overnight, sometimes the change won’t even be noticeable to other people, but if it’s making you and your partner feel closer and stronger, then it’s worth it.
If you’re considering couples therapy, even if nothing is obviously wrong, I highly recommend it. It’s been really eye opening for both of us personally and together. I’m really excited to see where this journey takes us and I hope, if you’re going to couples therapy, it makes you excited for the future, too!
Much Love,
