Tips for Coping with Holiday Stress
As the holiday season ramps up, I know so many people struggle to enjoy it because of all the stress that comes with it. Instead of cherishing time with family and friends or taking in all the sights and sounds, we are caught up in the shopping, the baking and the expectations to create the perfect holiday for those around us. That can be so stressful! I thought it would be a great time of year to bring back our mental health expert, Kristina, to give a few tips and tricks on how to avoid the stress and better enjoy the holiday season!
The holiday season is interesting for me as a psychotherapist. While shops might be showing off this year’s newest decorations or blaring upbeat melodies, it’s likely that my clients and I are discussing how they can cope during this time of year. It’s a strange juxtaposition to say the least.
The holiday season can be incredibly stressful for various reasons. For those navigating financial stress, gift-giving only adds to the burden. Others who have recently lost a loved one are flooded with grief and sadness on a day that “should be” celebratory.
Most of all, many people feel a sense of dread about being in the same room with all of their family members and figuring out how to navigate all of the dynamics that come with this. For any of you who fall into this category: this post is for you.
1. CHANGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
In his popular fantasy novel The Way of Kings, Brandon Sanderson writes, “Expectations were like fine pottery. The harder you held them, the more likely they were to crack.”
It’s important to ensure that you hold realistic expectations when attending family gatherings. If your uncle has brought up a controversial political topic every year, expect that this will happen again. The more mentally and emotionally prepared you are for something, the better.
Practical Exercise: grab a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. On one side, write down a list of all of the things you suspect will happen at an upcoming event (i.e. aunt makes a comment about my body). Then, write down how you will handle that situation in the other column on the same line. Preparation is key!
Be sure to be kind about your own expectations of yourself as well. A lot of stress can come from simply feeling like you should be enjoying something you don’t. Everyone else loves Christmas! Shouldn’t I be happy? You don’t “have” to be anything. The holiday season is highly stressful for a lot of people, yet we often don’t talk about this because it’s not “in good spirit”. If the holidays are a hard time for you, show yourself some compassion.
2. RALLY THE TROOPS
If possible, bring a friend or partner to events that you’re nervous about to act as a buffer. If someone at the party is driving you nuts, you can talk about it with your friend in private. Or, you can both just do your own thing so you’re less likely to engage with people who grind your gears. The confidence of knowing that someone has your back in a difficult situation can also be invaluable.
If you aren’t able to physically bring someone with you, tell someone ahead of time that you’re going into a difficult situation and that you’ll probably text or call them throughout the day or night. Being able to vent, laugh, or speak openly to someone can be a great help when we need to blow off steam.
3. DEPERSONALIZE THE SITUATION HOWEVER YOU CAN
A useful tool for me when I’m in difficult situations is to pretend that I’m doing a home visit for a family therapy session. I’ll pretend that the people I’m with are my clients and that my job is to go in and make some observations. Suddenly, I go from thinking, “Wow, look at how they’re attacking me!” to “Isn’t it fascinating that this family acts this way? I wonder what that’s about…” In putting on my “therapist hat”, I’m able to become more removed from the situation and therefore be less affected by it. You don’t have to actually be a therapist to do this type of activity — just pretend!
4. FIND BALANCE
For some people, gatherings with friends or family are the obligatory part of the holiday season, not the fun part. As with anything in life, balance is key. If you’re obliged to go to events with in-laws you don’t like, for example, consider planning another activity with friends that you do find fun, like watching your favourite Christmas movies together or going skating. Building joyful memories can help offset the negative experiences that come with the holiday season.
5. VENT ABOUT IT WITH SOMEONE YOU TRUST AND FIND HUMOUR IN THE SITUATION
Carpooling to and from an event with someone you’re close to can be very helpful: you can prepare yourselves on the way to an event and debrief about everything afterwards. And if you can, try not to take life so seriously. Sometimes a bit of laughter is key to lightening the mood and making things more manageable.
6. SET BOUNDARIES, WHETHER SILENT OR EXPLICIT
You may feel obligated to go to certain events, but there is always wiggle room for your needs, too. I often talk about a concept called silent boundaries, which involves boundaries that don’t have anything to do with saying something out loud. Here are some examples of silent boundaries:
Making a promise to yourself to leave an event at a certain time so you don’t end up staying for any longer than necessary
Sitting on the opposite end of the table from someone you don’t like so you don’t have to engage with them as much
Going for a walk during the day when you need a break
Doing the dishes in the kitchen as a way of disengaging from some of the conversations
7. CHANGE THE FOCUS
Sitting around and chatting with people you aren’t fully comfortable with is a recipe for disaster. Here are some ways that you can shift everyone’s attention for the better:
Bring a light-hearted board game for everyone to play. (For the love of God, stay away from Monopoly!)
Bring pictures of a recent trip you went on or an event you attended so you can focus on showing them photos rather than any overly personal conversations.
If there are children present, bring them a fun new toy that everyone can watch them learn how to play with. Children can be the ultimate buffer!
THE BOTTOM LINE
While Christmas songs, movies, and cards would have us believe otherwise, the holiday season can be a really, really difficult time for some people. It can involve stepping back into dynamics that you’ve tried to escape from for the rest of the year. It can bring up emotions and feelings that you typically don’t have to deal with. But, never forget that you still have a lot of agency and a lot more control than you might think!
How do you survive the holiday season?! Share your pearls of wisdom in the comments below!
The CEO and Founder of Fresh Insight, Kristina Virro is passionate about reducing stigma around mental health and helping people learn effective strategies so that they can feel less stuck and more empowered in their life. She honours this mission through providing psychotherapy and nutritional counselling at her clinic, which offers support for people of all ages and backgrounds. Kristina’s determination to spread her knowledge and passion to others has allowed her clinic to help thousands of people and she has shared her expertise with a number of media outlets, including FLARE, Canadian Living, ELLE Canada, and a number of podcast, radio and television shows. When she isn’t at work, she can be found knitting her 900th pair of socks and forcing affection on her cats.
Find Kristina on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok or her website.
