Helping Kids Handle Back to School Jitters
Kristina Virro is back on the blog and if you haven’t read her first guest post you can find it HERE. Today, she’s sharing all of her tips for back to school jitters and how to ensure your little one can have the most successful year at school. She shares so many helpful tidbits and questions to ask your kids to encourage conversation — I know I’ll be keeping these on hand as my kids start school! I hope you get as much out of this blog as I did.
Starting a new school year is something that naturally catalyzes anxiety in many children and pre-teens. And let’s not forget that today’s little ones just habituated to virtual schooling and some of its perks, like not having to worry about where they’d sit in class or being able to eat lunch in their PJs!
So, if your child is experiencing a higher degree of pre-school jitters than usual, how can you set them up for success (and take care of yourself in the meantime)?
VALIDATE THEIR WORRIES WITHOUT INDULGING THEM TOO MUCH.
A child’s brain is different from an adult brain. In fact, the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain that helps with logic, problem-solving, and planning — typically doesn’t mature until we’re around 25 years of age. In other words, just because your child’s fears might not seem logical or accurate to you doesn’t mean they don’t feel real to them.
It’s important to not be dismissive. After all, consider how crappy it feels when you’re upset yourself and hear someone say “Calm Down.” Not helpful!
Here are some ways that you can validate your child.
Express curiosity through asking questions like:
What would be the hardest part about that for you?
Why is that important to you?
Make validating statements like:
That sounds really difficult.
I imagine anyone else in your shoes would feel that way.
It’s understandable that you’re feeling anxious.
Here’s the catch though: as a parent, it’s important to not indulge your child’s worries too much. I remind both adolescent and adult patients of mine that there is a difference between worrying versus problem-solving. Although worrying often feels productive, it isn’t. As one of my favorite quotes goes,
“Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.”
We have American journalist Mary Schmich to thank for that gem of advice!
How can we spot the difference between worrying versus problem solving?
Worrying typically focuses on imagined future events rather than the present moment.
Worrying usually starts with “what if…”
Worrying revolves around questions that don’t have any tangible answers.
An example of worrying would be if your child asked, “What if Nicole ignores me and doesn’t want to sit with me at lunch?”
This question fixates on an imagined event in the future and we could talk about that until we’re blue in the face without getting anywhere productive!
An example of a productive thought would be, “Is there anything I can do right now to ensure that I have a place to sit for lunch tomorrow?” Or, it might involve asking, “If Nicole doesn’t want to sit with me tomorrow, what will I do?” Now, we can develop a concrete plan that has actionable steps.
TEND TO THE BASICS
Setting your child (and yourself!) up for success involves getting into a routine before school starts. Make sure that they’re eating balanced, nutritious meals so that their blood sugar levels are stabilized. I talk more about this in my previous guest blog, but anxiety can be a symptom of fluctuating blood sugar levels so it’s important to structure your meals and snacks in a way that minimizes the likelihood of this occurring.
Beyond your child’s eating habits, make sure that they’re getting enough sleep, taking breaks from all screens throughout the day, spending quality time with you and other family members (if applicable), and moving their bodies daily.
These might sound like simple measures, but they make great buffers when it comes to mitigating the effects of stress in both our children and us!
FOSTER A SENSE OF AGENCY AND EMPOWERMENT
Helicopter parenting is defined as a style of parenting where an overprotective parent discourages a child’s independence by being too involved with their life. As I discuss in my book, The Anxious Teen, this practice is ironically associated with worse outcomes when it comes to anxiety. Specifically, one study revealed that teens with excessively involved parents experienced lower self-efficacy and more symptoms of depression, which was also associated with poorer academic performance and social adjustment in college.
Although fear and anxiety can be contagious emotions, it’s important to not react to your child’s each and every mood swing and insecurity. Rather, your job is to instil a sense of confidence and find ways to remind them of their agency and resilience. Here are some ideas:
When your child is going down Worry Lane, ask them questions like:
What are your ideas about how you would cope with that?
What would you say or do if that happened?
Depending on your child’s age, you can help them become more apt at differentiating between worrying versus problem-solving by simply asking, “Is this a ‘worry’ thought? What’s something we can do right now to help you feel more prepared about that?”
Ask for their input in terms of what they’d like to wear during the week or what they’d like to eat for lunch.
Ask what they’re looking forward to as a way of helping them avoid focusing on just situations that might be anxiety-provoking.
Ask about how they’ve overcome similar obstacles in the past and/or remind them of their successes. Here are some examples:
“I remember you feeling this way last year! What do you think helped you get through your first week of school back then?”
“I remember when I took you to camp and you made friends within the first day! Is it possible that that could happen again at school?”
HAVE A PLAN TO HELP THEM COPE WITH SEPARATION ANXIETY.
If you have a younger child who will be spending the day away from you for the first time, consider giving them a small object from home to remind them that you’re still connected in some way.
If your child is feeling particularly nervous, consider looping in a teacher, guidance counsellor or individual at the daycare/school who can help smooth the transition. Most of the fuss occurs at the beginning of the day, so having the same person greet your child each morning can be useful. From there, this person can ask your child to help them with a specific task, such as setting up supplies for a craft, so that your little one is focused on something other than being away from home.
NORMALIZE AND ACCEPT YOUR CHILD’S ANXIETY — AND HELP THEM DO THE SAME.
Anxiety is a natural, normal, and expected part of life. If we teach children otherwise, whether consciously or subconsciously, it can cause them to believe that anxiety is “bad” or “something to get rid of at all costs”. Behaviourally, this translates as children who practice avoidance behaviours such as refusing to go to school. This only makes anxiety worse in the long term.
Children go through a critical period of brain development between the ages of 2-7. As Edutopia writes, fostering a growth mindset during this time is particularly important, which is “the belief that talents and abilities are developed through effort instead of being innately fixed.” In whatever words work for you and your child, remind them that this, too, shall pass.
SELF-CARE FOR YOURSELF.
While some parents yearn for the days where their child is back at school so that they have more alone time, other parents deeply struggle with the concept, especially parents who have had experienced infertility or traumatic births as they can experience a deep longing to savour every single moment with a child that was so difficult to bring into the world.
If you fall into this latter category, here are some pieces of advice:
Consider starting slowly. Some daycares allow parents to start off with just dropping off their kids for the morning, for example, and then gradually work their way up from there.
Fill your schedule with things you enjoy. Go to the new yoga studio that opened up that you haven’t had time to visit yet. Reconnect with friends and family members. Find hobbies that reconnect you with the parts of your identity that have nothing to do with parenting. Your day will go by quicker than you think!
Normalize and accept your own anxiety, too, and remember that this phase is temporary. Plus, you were going to have to cross this bridge at some point, so now you’re ahead of the game!
Consider seeking professional support. Having a neutral, third-party person to speak to who is non-judgmental and compassionate can make all the difference. Additionally, therapists can help you learn techniques to assist with grounding your nervous system and redirecting your thoughts during moments of distress so that you, too, can feel more empowered during stressful times.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Although back-to-school anxiety affects many children (and parents!), the good news is that it’s a temporary transitional phase during which we can instill a growth mindset into our children. Remember that although your child’s anxiety is real, that doesn’t make it true! Balancing validation with problem-solving and pushing your child out of their comfort zone in a compassionate, ‘this-is-the-best-thing-for-their-long-term-growth’ kind of way is the key to success here.
What do you do to help your child cope with back-to-school jitters? Share your pearls of wisdom in the comments below!
If you’re looking for another resource, one of the psychotherapists at my clinic is offering a free virtual seminar in October entitled, Understanding ADHD: An Introductory Guide — a one hour, live seminar that can help you to dive in a little deeper to help those around you!
The CEO and Founder of Fresh Insight, Kristina Virro is passionate about reducing stigma around mental health and helping people learn effective strategies so that they can feel less stuck and more empowered in their life. She honours this mission through providing psychotherapy and nutritional counselling at her clinic, which offers support for people of all ages and backgrounds. Kristina’s determination to spread her knowledge and passion to others has allowed her clinic to help thousands of people and she has shared her expertise with a number of media outlets, including FLARE, Canadian Living, ELLE Canada, and a number of podcast, radio and television shows. When she isn’t at work, she can be found knitting her 900th pair of socks and forcing affection on her cats.
Find Kristina on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok or her website, and learn more about how to support your child with anxiety by reading her book, The Anxious Teen.